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longing for friends [20 Dec 2005|01:42am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

whoa! so erin reminded me of livejournal... so here i am! i had pretty much the best night tonight dancing with kiesha and erin in the mcdonalds parking lot after work. erin really reminded me how much i miss my friends from high school. i know i didn't always show it, but i really loved them. and i miss them SO much. i found this picture from mr. medics class and it made me cry because i miss everyone so bad.

i never thought i would miss high school, but i actually do. don't get me wrong, i love my college and all of the people i have met here, but i really miss my original friends. growing up is no fun. but i guess we grow stronger and move on. such is life.

2 razorscut me with your magic

[07 Jul 2005|12:20am]
[ mood | sad ]

i'm feeling really detatched from everyone and everything. i work 5 to 6 days a week from 4-12. so my day consists of waking up around noon and just waiting to go to work at 4. then working my ass off to get shit done, leaving work and going online till 2, only to repeat the cycle over and over and over. this hasn't felt like summer to me. no one calls. no one invites me. i just sit here, vegetating and waiting for an invite somewhere. maybe its my fault. i don't know. the only people that talk to me are the ones that i am working with. i feel like eveyone has already left me. i guess this is what its going to feel like when everyone is gone. but then i won't even have the slightest chance of running into them at all. the other night tone came into mcdonalds with matty and i was SO excited to see her. it was so great just to hear her voice. and marie has come thru drive thru a few times and it just reminds me how i miss everyone so much. and as i sit here with tears streaming down my face, i just wish i would have been around more. maybe thats why things are how they are. i just really miss everyone. just know that i love each and everyone of you, and i cherish all of the memories we have made. thank you for always being there for me, and supporting me in everything even if you don't agree.

i love you
i miss you

always and forever

cut me with your magic

[05 Jun 2005|11:10pm]
[ mood | blah ]

so. i graduated. and now i'm going through this really wierd stage of denial. matt kalin's grad party made me not want to go to anyone's. he is leaving the 26th, and when i left there i cried so hard. it was like i had just left a funeral. i am going to miss him so much its crazy. he is going to westpoint and his mom had us write him letters for when he is in basic trainging and she can send them to him for support. that was the longest and hardest letter i have ever had to write. i have had classes with that kid for 6 years, and he has made such an impact on my life. i don't want to do that every weekend. its horrible. i hate looking at all these scrap books and memory boards. i get way too emotional. i know i'm supposed to be the tough one, but i'm really not. i'm freaking out. i can't lose my friends. and everyone is leaving, and i know no one will keep in touch. i saw tj's friends leave last year, and he rarely sees them. i am not looking forward to that. all my freinds have been there for me through all the shit i went through this year, and i couldn't have done it without them. thanks you guys. i probably never said it, but really, thank you. i love you all.

1 razorcut me with your magic

[03 Jun 2005|06:31am]
[ mood | sad ]

so here i am 6:30 am. my last few moments as a high school senior. ::deep breath:: i will not cry today, i will not cry today, i will not cry today. actually i probably will because as i sit here typing this, i already have tears in my eyes. this may be harder than i thought...
i love you all.

cut me with your magic

[31 May 2005|01:28am]
[ mood | anxious ]

WHOA!! i'm back. crazy huh? so i'm graduating this friday. kind of crazy. i'm excited, but really stressed out. i'm moving into my own place next week too. CRAZY. i'm freaking out. i am working so much and its driving me nuts. i dread going to that place, and its making my really weird and anti social. crazy things are happening, but i can't put it into words to write in here. but i'm back, so i hope you have missed me. love me forever.

love, mandy

cut me with your magic

thats enough [26 Feb 2005|10:06am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

so, i haven't updated this thing in forever. but i'm going to complain, so suck it. i'm so sick of this damn prom thing. its ridiculous how people are acting. i'm sick of people being fake. i just don't get how you can pretend to like someone. grow some balls and be honest. i'm so fucking tired of people right now. i don't even want to go anymore. thanks, i was so excited about it, and you had to ruin it. and another thing. i hate being left out. whatever, if you don't want me to go, tell me. and don't fucking talk about it in front of my face. i am not an afterthought, and i refuse to be. i mean, even the people i don't see that often didn't forget about me. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM??? i'm done. DONE.

5 razorscut me with your magic

hello, this is reality calling [02 Dec 2004|10:44pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

i just had a huge reality check. and now i feel like an ass. but i'm glad it happened. i really need to start thinking out what i say and do before i say or do it. i think that would save me a lot of trouble. ::sigh:: i still have a lot of things to work on in my life, but i see that as a good thing, like an opportunity for improvement. things may be looking up for the future. stay tuned to find out...

1 razorcut me with your magic

do you want to be my one and only love. [15 Nov 2004|03:44pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

i feel like i've changed over the past few days. thursday i cut my hair. i think its short... but its still long. then erin and i went shopping at ross park on friday, and i got all kinds of new clothes (none are black). plus, i've been in really good moods lately. maybe i could stay like this for awhile. i still want to dye my hair tho. red highlights. oh yes. i can't stand my hair being so blah. i love the way i got it cut, but i think it needs the red to spice it up. i'm in the mood to take pictures and be all creative, but i don't have a digital camera. christmas?? maybe... i have a few ideas for what to get tj and his parents, but no ideas for my own family. i suck.

i've been thinking lately. i may end up staying at my house until school is over. my parents have no problem with me leaving after i graduate, but i guess they'll be all pissed off if i leave on my birthday. don't get me wrong, i really want to leave, but they're also telling me that they will help me out with college if i stay till i graduate. thay may be enough to get me to stay. damn them for making this harder than it needs to be.

i've also been realizing that i don't need to do everything with tj. don't get me wrong, i love him to death, but sometimes i need to do things with my other friends. like shopping with erin on friday. i had such a good time. last year i stopped sitting with my friends at lunch to sit with tj, and i missed them a lot. this year has been nice getting to know them again. i just feel like i lost some of my friends when i dropped out of band. which really sucks. but that made me realize that all we really had in common was band. people change then move on. there's nothing i can do about it. oh well i guess.

school hasn't been too bad either. almost bearable. i haven't felt extreme anger towards SHS in awhile. i'm proud of myself.

my car is still getting sold. anyone have a cheap car they want to sell me?

ok i'm done.

te amo tjs

cut me with your magic

you don't know what its like to be stuck in my mind all the time... [07 Nov 2004|10:36am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

well. things couldn't get any worse. my parents sold my car, i have to do my own laundry, my grandma thinks that i have been taken over by the devil, and everything else is going wrong. OH YAY! wow, do i have the best life ever. idk, i keep trying to tell myself that things could be worse, but i'm really starting to doubt that. i'm trying SO hard not to let all this shit get to me. because if i'm good, and don't cry all the time, and just try to be happy, i might get the only good part of my life back. and i really want that part back. and no, i'm not talking about my car. i just don't feel like talking about it. this sucks.

the end.

1 razorcut me with your magic

i am the devil. stay away. [03 Nov 2004|08:41pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

my mom can go suck it. she flipped out on me when i got home from work because she found my spike to gauge my ears to a 2. this is about the millionth time she has told me that the way i look is ugly, and that my ears are hideous. a few days ago she informed me that i was no longer allowed to wear black t-shirts. her reason: i may act like the devil, but i am not allowed to dress like him. well, i have nothing but black t-shirts. oh, and after she flipped out about my earrings, i was like, "its my body." and she says, "well why don't you go get pregnant and have an abortion. its your body then too." that pissed me off to no end. why does everything lead to me getting pregnant? holy shit. i can't stand her talking about this shit 24/7. i refuse to dress and act like the person she wants me to be. i'm sorry that i'm not all girly and shit. i love my concert t-shirts and jeans. the only reason i do carry a purse is because my mom bought it for me, and she got all pissy that i wasn't using it. i mean, i feel so uncomfortable when i'm dressed up, and not in my normal attire. whats so wrong with what i wear? it could be a lot worse. blahhh sorry i'm done complaining.

other than that i had a great day.

yesterday was lovely. 1 year anniversary. one dozen red roses. it was perfect.

oh how happy it feels to be loved.

cut me with your magic

watch the warmth blow away [20 Sep 2004|07:16pm]
[ mood | content ]

other than being extremely tired, today was a good day. but i got so bored (but really inspired) during chemistry that i wrote this poem:
girl's dreams are made of boys like you
young girls are taught about you, prince charming
we spend our whole lives kissing every frog we see
hanging our long hair out endless windows to be rescued
praying that we wake up to a tender kiss
why am i so lucky to find you, prince?
what did i do to deserve your enchanting love?
you are my fairy tale ending
i love you prince charming

things are going wonderfully between tj and i. i can't believe its going to be a year on november 2. its funny, because we know eachother so well, and that comfortable feeling is the most amazing thing i have ever experienced. i never want this to end...

cut me with your magic

[19 Sep 2004|08:07pm]
so this weekend has been pretty great up until about 10 minutes ago. saturday i went with tj to his fireworks party. wow, it was amazing. i was so proud of him. i truley is a talent to do that. it was an awesome time. also, my relatives from kansas arrived. they are staying with us until next sunday. today tj and i ate dinner at his grandma's house and just chilled around. this kind of weather makes me want to cuddle.

have you ever said something... and thought it was going to be really funny or something. like real witty? and it blows up in your face? just completely backfires?? ya, well that just happened. i have no idea what i said wrong. i was just joking around. i don't know. i guess john mayer said it best
my stupid mouth
has got me in trouble
i said too much again
cut me with your magic

[19 Aug 2004|09:02pm]
[ mood | happy ]

i have some time, so i guess i'll update. this past week has been really odd for me. i've been over-emotional, and just a bitch. i had been getting really upset at tj for stupid stuff. and i was just really hating it. so yesterday i had a lot of time to think, and i just had this epiphany, and finally figured out what was wrong... and i stupidly called tj in the middle of work and told him i needed to talk. the poor thing was worried for 2 hours that i was going to break up with him or something. but we ended up going on a walk, and i just talked and let everything out. and i felt so much better afterwards. since then i've been in a really good mood. i'm a happy girl. i love you all!! yay!

3 razorscut me with your magic

people need to grow up. [18 Aug 2004|07:41pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

if anyone knows who put cheese all over sarah leith's blazer when she parked in the circle at the senior high, please tell me. i want to kick their ass. what bullshit! she knows it was band people...and that makes me so glad that i quit. i mean, come on, thats pretty lame. anyways, here's what happened. she parked in the circle so she could go to the office and get her parking pass. she came back out, and there was cheese all over he blazer, and across the windshield it said, "you can't park here." and most of the cheese had melted on there since it was hot. i'd be pretty pissed if that happened to me. i told her she should go to the office and report it. that shit shouldn't be happening. ugh, i am so done with high school. it makes me sick.

other than that i'm having a really good day. i've been in a really thoughtful mood, and all this thinking is really clearing my head, and putting me in a really optimistic mood. i'm excited to go back to school to see my friends. i miss everyone. and since everyone apparently doesn't believe in the phone... i have to wait until school to see them all. oh well. but i'm off to see my love, so i gotta end this. until later...

cut me with your magic

[16 Aug 2004|02:03pm]
[ mood | amused ]

What Kind of Geek are You?
Favourite Color
Your IQ is frighteningly high
You are a computer geek
Your strength is you actually have social skills
Your weakness is alcohol
You think normal people are aliens
Normal people think that you are disturbed
This Quiz by owlsamantha - Taken 54740 Times.
New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

cut me with your magic

[12 Aug 2004|05:51pm]
[ mood | excited ]

so i went to boney joe's today to talk to crayons about my tattoo. the date is set. august 25th, i will be inked. i am getting a koi on my hip. I'M SO EXCITED. but for now, i'm tired and i need a nap...

2 razorscut me with your magic

[11 Aug 2004|06:02pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

::sigh:: i quit band. i feel so much better.

I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!

cut me with your magic

[03 Aug 2004|10:44am]
[ mood | sad ]

it happened. tj's dad died this morning. i can't even think right now. i just feel so numb.

yesterday was horrible. i ended up going out to his dad's house around 5. we just sat around talking with various members of his family and friends who came to see him. there were so many people, and some were supposed to be stopping by today too. tj and i left around 9:30, but before we left we went to say goodbye to his dad. this was the first time i really looked at him laying there. tj was talking to him, but i couldn't say anything. it was so awful to see him laying there like that. he looked like he was in so much pain, and it really hurt me to see him like that. so i had to leave without saying much. tj turned my car around for me, and as i was about to leave, his step mom breeze came over to say goodbye. we hugged and cried together. it was a good moment. i absolutely love his family, and she was apologizing for bringing me into this, but i told her that i loved them and i would do anything for their family. we hugged and cried more. i feel so bad for her. so tj followed me home, and i had such a hard time driving because i cried the whole way home. once we got home, we just sat there hugging and crying. no one should have to lose their dad. its just not right.

so this morning, i hear the phone ring. it was exactly 8:22. i had programmed our phone to ring a certain way when tj called. as soon as i heard that ring, i knew what had happened because tj should have been in school at that time. i picked up the phone. it was tj, and he was crying. his dad died this morning. i guess they were bathing him, and he just closed his eyes and died. i can't even imagine what tj is going through. his dad was such a great guy. i remember the first time i met him. i remember thinking, "wow, this guy is so cool!" and the more i got to know him, the more i loved him just like a dad. and his artwork is simply amazing. ever since i found out he did tatooing, i wanted him to do mine. i'm just glad he got to start tj's. thats something that he will remember forever.

ugh, i need to stop this. i can't think anymore. my eyes burn.

4 razorscut me with your magic

[02 Aug 2004|01:14pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

well, forget the picnic. please everyone pray for tj's dad. tj just called and had to cancel our plans for today because his dad isn't doing well at all. he's not in the hospital i guess, but he's doing really bad. tj is going over there to see him. i feel so bad for tj. i can't imagine going through this with my dad. and it kills me to think of what it would be like to be in his position. all i can do is be here for him. i just hate that thats all i can do. so please pray for him. tj's dad is such an amazing man. he has such talent, and has been nothing but wonderful to me. and i just hope that he lives long enough for me to get to know him, and eventually be able to call him dad.

thank you.

cut me with your magic

my house smells like brownies. [02 Aug 2004|12:05pm]
[ mood | excited ]

so i just got done preparing the most romantic picnic for today. its our 9 month anniversary. this is the plan: he picks me up after school, i surprise him with this picnic. we head to moraine to kayak for a few hours, then settle down somewhere alone to enjoy a picnic. oooooh i can't wait!

cut me with your magic

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